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Tuesday, April 25, 2017

LGBT: How To Stop The Hurtful/Religious Voices

I am reading a great book, Loving Someone Gay by Don Clark. Written in 1977, the only things that seem outdated in it are the legal restrictions and (some of) the general lack of support for LGBT rights and even safety. He even has an entire chapter devoted to what is good, specifically, about being gay.
But in every book which tries to provide an overview of gay life, there is extensive mention of violence, discrimination, and religious abuse. It's great for ignorant straight people to know about these things, but I hate being reminded of them. I try to make everything I write positive or helpful, and I want everything I read to be the same way.
Every time I read of violence and lack of legal rights and protections, or even sometimes when I'm not reading anything at all, I hear all the hurtful things that have been said about LGBT people in general, or to me in particular, back when I liked to talk to people online. They are mostly religious in nature, for me. It's the idea that, after all my years of effort at being a good Christian, now I suddenly don't love God and never have, that hurts me the most.

And though I didn't come out to him yet, I talked to my homophobic uncle on the phone the other day, mentioning that I was afraid of him as a child (which is very much true). He shocked me when he said, "I'm sorry you were afraid of me...I wouldn't hurt you for the world." That meant a lot to me. There is a lot more than sexuality, that has been left unsaid over the years, but if he keeps this up, I'm going to talk to him when I call my grandparents (he lives with them) and slowly reveal more and more of myself.
Since talking to him, the tone of the "hurtful voices" inside my head (though they are not auditory illusions, just hurtful thoughts that I have to struggle through) have changed. It used to be his voice, primarily, that would hurt. Now it's others, strangers and preachers who just don't care whom they hurt. All of them are still religious.

And I'm not sure if this is a good change or a bad one. But I find it interesting that there are always hurtful voices ready to rush into my mind. I take out one, or nearly all of one, and the others fill his place.
Finally I couldn't take it anymore. "Stop!" I said aloud. "Stop hurting me!"
And they quieted. The religious arguments against something I didn't choose, didn't go away completely, but I got a little bit of a respite. But I don't like that I had to say, "Stop hurting me," to myself. Especially after all the effort I put into affirmations and self-love.
People try to tell me, and themselves, that their hurting me is right. That it is from God. But they're not in my life. I've done everything I could to eradicate them all. So why are their ghosts still here?

Hurtful words always echo. You can speak directly to the echoes ("Stop it! Stop hurting me!") or you can try to silence them with self-love ("I love myself. I'm a happy gay person.") Sometimes your self-love can be louder than the echoes, other times you have to more directly silence them.

I used to give in to the urge to argue with myself, thinking that I would be ready if someone challenged me, and that that was the way to silence the "voices" that told me I was sinning just by liking myself as I was, and not loathing myself enough for something that I didn't choose.
But the thing is, after a long time, I was still arguing with myself. The voices just kept coming, sometimes the same arguments over and over. It was so tiring. I made a solid argument in favor of my happiness and well-being, and it wasn't enough. I was still struggling. I got the impression that if I was the only person left in the world, I would still be struggling with homophobic voices.
So I started saying to myself, "I'm having trouble with this," and trying to let the toxic voices just float through my head like water in a stream, washing itself away. My mom had told me years ago that it helped her to relax for sleep if she tried not to "grab onto" the thoughts in her head, just let them float through. I tried to use this technique to relax for life. I pictured myself tying them onto an imaginary balloon, and letting go up, up, and away.
And sometimes it helps, though I find that I need a variety of techniques to combat the negativity. What works one moment, won't work the next.
Typing up my arguments also sometimes helps, though I don't want to publish them, because I want what I write to be positive, not defensive or negative. And I certainly don't want to trigger anyone else's hurtful voices. Or give the impression to future (homophobic) readers that I'm up for a debate about my right to live and be happy.
But if you don't overdue it, sometimes it helps to type up your arguments, in an effort to get them out of your head.

I have never seen any kind of LGBT material devoted to stopping the homophobic, often religious voices in your own head. And yet that is what I struggle with the most. I don't struggle with my own thoughts of me being worthless--I struggle with other people's thoughts of me being worthless, or wicked, or deceived.

So I hope this has helped people like me. In summary:

1) Tell those voices, whether they're hateful or well-meaning, to stop hurting you.

2) Focus on loving yourself, and speaking lovingly to yourself, in general.

3) Acknowledge that you are struggling, and let the negative thoughts drift away into the clouds. Don't "grab onto" them.

4) Type up your arguments, if nothing else works, to get them out of your head.

5) Again, love yourself. Be easy on yourself, because it takes a long time to get over religious abuse. Love yourself even in the struggle.

I hope this helps anyone struggling with unhappiness, whether LGBT or not. Be kind to yourselves. You deserve it.

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