I recently watched a video of a gay couple talk about their wedding. "We were on the very lowest end of wedding prices," one of them remarked. "We came in at just under $20,000 for everything."
Twenty thousand dollars was the very cheapest? I was so shocked, I literally said aloud, "Oh my god, why have one?! Why not just jump a broom together?" And I never usually talk back to the computer or tv.
I immediately thought of another video I saw, months earlier (which I haven't been able to find since), in which an elderly woman talked about her experiences getting married during WWII. "All of the wives on the army base shared the same wedding dress," she said, "We took turns with it."
They all shared the same dress. The shorter women would have had to pick up their skirt to walk, and the taller women would have had to make do with one that was not full-length. I'm not sure what they did for women who were of a different weight. But it is what they had, and it had to be enough.
I am fascinated by the cutbacks people had to make during the thirties and forties. They survived with much less than we do today, even though it had to be imposed by the Depression and the war, and was relatively temporary. We are so lucky, today, that we do not have to ration food and fabric, make clothes from feed sacks, and put makeup on our legs because we have no stockings available.
But if we cut back in many ways, voluntarily, today, we would be so much better off, financially and in the simplicity of our lives. I love that I can choose where to cut back, because of our modern prosperity, but I also love to find ways to reuse things and not spend money--especially copious amounts like $20,000.
After seeing that shocking video, I went through my own dresses. Other than my Mary Marvel costume (which I am excited to say I made myself, from satin fabric bought at a store-moving sale, and a short red dress for the skirt), I had two: a gauzy, sparkly black dress with a handkerchief hem at the ankles, and a shimmering, light purple full-length dress with an Empire waistline. I call them my Witch Dress and my Fairy Godmother Dress, as I have only to add a hat or wings and I have a complete costume. I am very proud of both of these, as the Witch Dress cost me six dollars at the thrift shop, and the Fairy Godmother Dress came almost free in a grab bag from a garage sale. I used to have several more very nice dresses, but through cleaning out my things over the years, these are the two that have stayed, because I love them both so much.
I decided that I wanted to be married, someday, as the Fairy Godmother.
There is no need for white, as white wedding dresses have only been around since Queen Victoria decided to marry in white, since it was her favorite color. Before that, white was the color of mourning for royalty. Then it became the standard for weddings, when the queen wore it. Laura Ingalls later married in black, because that was what was available.
My mom suggested that I find a wedding dress I like, now, from a thrift shop. But I have a feeling that, if I found a white or cream dress, I would get tired of it eventually, even if I was married in it already. And I don't want to wear my mom's dress, because it has too many beads and sequins on it for my taste.
"Then get married in a tuxedo," she said. I didn't want to, though, because I don't think I'm that kind of lesbian.
I love lace, and my Fairy Godmother Dress has no lace. But I also already know that I love this one. It can be used for my wedding or other very special occasions. Unless I happen to find or make a dress of any color, with lots of delicate lace, that I love more, this is it for me.
The people who were married in past times did not have perfect weddings. My own grandmother wore a white skirted suit, in 1959. There was not as much pressure on weddings to be perfect, because they often couldn't be, with the available budget and materials.
And maybe there is more pressure on same-sex weddings to be perfect, so that they will feel "real" to the couple. But a wedding is only one day, out of the whole life you are building together. It will be memorable, no matter what you do, what happens, or what you can afford. And $20,000 or more can buy a down payment on a house--or a fraction of that could buy a nice trip, and you can stock up on food so that you know you will eat for a long time. However magical it is, why have one day cost you a lot of debt, that you will be paying for in your new life together?
I don't know exactly how I will find someone who shares my unusual financial values, but I'm determined that I don't want to ruin my own credit or life for love. I'm not sure when to bring up financial goals, especially early on in the relationship, but I'll deal with that when I find a special boyfriend or girlfriend. But I don't want someone who will pressure me to go into debt, or help me go into debt. And someday, I hope to have a wedding that reflects that financial commitment.
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