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Wednesday, June 14, 2017

LGBTQ: Internalized Homophobia And The Importance Of...Humming

In black lesbian comedian Wanda Sykes's new tour, What Happened Ms. Sykes, she says that, in dealing with her white wife and children, "Sometimes you just have to hum a Negro spiritual,"
I don't know any Negro spirituals, and I'm not sure how much good they would do to a white person struggling with issues other than race. But I have found that sometimes when I'm stuck arguing with myself, I can actually hum away the bad thoughts.

Sometimes religious songs pop into my head at random moments, even though I haven't listened to Christian music in about eight years. I don't mind those so much. But it's the same with religious arguments against homosexuality--against what I am.Sometimes they pop into my head, especially if I was exposed to homophobic arguments recently (usually try to avoid that).
Long before I knew I was at least bisexual, I always felt like I was not a good enough Christian and never would be. And no amount of Christian "encouragement" did any good. So I know it's a self-esteem issue, not just a gay issue. Being gay is just what allows the negative, self-hating "monster" to hurt me the most.
It's a never-ending battle, and sometimes different strategies--like positive self-talk, grieving for the loss of my faith, or writing my arguments out--work for me, and sometimes they don't. The negativity is sneaky, and each time is different. But sometimes, tunelessly, mindlessly humming, works more effectively than anything else. I find it impossible to listen to the viciously self-righteous inner homophobes when all thoughts are drowned out.

Humming helps to relax you, and the vibrations are good for your body. Some people like to say "om" when meditating, thinking that it's the "perfect" sound, but I prefer to leave off the O. I softly hum or sing "mmmm" or "ahhhh." Occasionally I sing an actual song, but it's hard to come up with a happy and relaxing song when my inner homophobe is attacking. The important thing is to quickly break the pattern of my inner arguing and feeling attacked and defensive.
A cat's purr is said to be healing, especially to broken bones. The closest thing I have to purring is sometimes like morphine to a broken heart. It's probably like a mini meditation.
And according to the teacher of an acting workshop I once took, making your voice loudly vibrate increases your personal power, and the power of your voice--in more ways than one. It empowers you. She said that it especially empowers women, who often have to make their voices small and high-pitched when confronting people, to not have to be "nice" all the time.
So if you can, get loud! But if you can't, hum softly or breathe...well, breathily. Like a character in a novel. (For example, "'I can't be with you,' she breathed.")

Even a few seconds of this can release endorphins and break the chains of your fear and defensiveness. Having the liberty to hum, sing, yell, or even chant, tells your body that it's safe. That you're physically, emotionally, and spiritually safe, that you're loved, and that you have something to sing about. That you have a reason to be happy, if only because you don't have to believe that you're bad and wrong.
I'm not saying that this is better than other methods of banishing negativity. Only that it seems to work better for me right now. Right now, it doesn't always help, but most of the time it does. And there does seem to be something special about it. Give it a try, if you struggle with negativity and self-hate for any reason. Especially if you don't have time or patience for yoga and meditation. I hope this helps someone, like this method has helped me.

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