I recently came across a Christian Harry Potter fan fiction, Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles. (I'm too lazy to link it. You can easily look it up online. It has only fourteen chapters, which are only about one page long.)
Other than being insulting to every other type of Christian than herself, possessing terrible grammar even though she condemns bad grammar and spelling in the story, the characters not being realistic, how prayer works not being realistic, getting details of the Harry Potter universe very wrong, and little rants which make you wonder if there's supposed to be a narrator when there's not...
The author is really into gender roles. All the good Christian women and girls wear pink dresses, cry demurely, and are not very brave. (Like being brave is a sin for a woman?) Hermione, who is a Christian all her life, has to be comforted by Harry, who got saved literally a few hours ago. (But could mysteriously quote the bible, complete with chapter and verse, seconds after Hagrid helps him get saved.)
I was never taught that I had to wear a dress and act emotionally weaker than I felt, in order to be good or righteous. And I'm so glad. I have enough to deal with already.
But this story got me to thinking...if men and women are so different and complementary, why does one have to submit to the other? Wouldn't a couple agree on everything, or easily come up with a solution in which both are happy?
Or alternately, why does one partner have to try so hard, to submit to the other? Why isn't submission so easy, if it's natural to women? Wouldn't the average women not have preferences at all, and just be happy doing whatever the husband wants? (Without having to work so hard at trying to be this way, that is. There would be no pain in submission at all.) In a world where men and women really complimented each other perfectly, as God designed, there would be no need for the likes of Michael and Debbie Pearle (fundamentalist "family" gurus whose books describe abusive behavior on his part, and for both of them towards their children--I have read excellent review series of them by Libby Anne of the blog Love, Joy, Feminism, and Samantha Field of the blog...Samantha Field.)
And most might say that it's our sinful nature or the devil who makes submission hard. But if God designed women for submission, wouldn't we take fulfillment in submitting to our husbands or fathers, without being told to? Why is there a need for books telling women and girls to take joy in submitting? If gender roles are so natural, why do we have to enforce them?
Just like homosexuality is called unnatural, and yet to many people--and animals--heterosexuality is unnatural. Complimentarianism (if I'm spelling that right, because apparently it's a sin if I spell it wrong) and compulsory straightness both say, "Be yourself--but not too much! Our imposed standards are much more natural to you than your natural state."
I am very grateful not to be caught up in either belief system. There are so many more benefits to freedom than wearing pants. There are even more benefits than potentially falling in love or doing what I want. I don't have to try to be anything. I can just fully be myself--accept myself--and that is the best gift that life could ever give me.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Why I Talk So Much Here About Being Bisexual
I feel sometimes like I talk "too much" about being bisexual on my
blog, though it may be just my own insecurities. And I may be a little
obsessive about it right now, because I only had an inkling three years
ago--until then I had thought I was straight. And by "inkling" I mean I
had an instant crush on another girl, the same way I had had instant
crushes on some guys. She was a stranger, but she was just that
good-looking, to me at least. So that was a very frightening experience,
because I had never thought of myself having that side before, and now
here it was, so obvious it was practically slapping me in the face.
I also recently discovered that I could find cheap queer books online, and so for the first time in my life, I can dive into that subject like I have never been able to before. I love it! It is so hard to find queer books where I live, much less find them cheaply or find good ones. I hardly even care about being a "prepper" for potential personal hard times anymore, except when it comes to hoarding good (queer and neutral) books, so there goes another subject I used to write regularly about.
I talk about being bisexual a lot here. But that's partly because almost all of my interesting (to me) thoughts relate to it or touch on it, at least at this point in my life.
But I have a whole life, too. I get up and feed my chickens just like anyone else. I've recently found a podcast on Youtube, Tomefoolery, that talks about very strange books. (And yes, the host, Cody Melcher, is gay, but gay issues specifically don't come up very often in the show. And it still has some interesting episodes.) I really like to go through my things and get rid of some of them, to the point that most people would probably think that's strange. I just got done with tax season as a tax preparer, and that was very hard on an introvert like me.
But all of these other things that make up my life don't make me say, "So that's why some gay men don't like feminine men--misogyny is part of it! It's considered dishonorable for men to be like women," and, "So that's why that other book said that raids on gay bars considerably increased in the fifties--after the war, there was pressure on everyone to get married and have children--the baby boom!"
I make so many discoveries when reading about queer stuff. And I may go into these subjects more in-depth later.
But I guess my blog is mostly a gay blog for now. I would feel a little better about that if it had a gay title, but then that would constrain me to queer subjects, which I also don't want. Straight people may not realize it, but there are a lot things about being bisexual/queer that I find fascinating. Maybe they're not as interesting if one is straight, but there's still an audience for these themes. I guess I'll just have to find the right audience, if I don't have it already.
So please be warned, this blog is very gay. Thank you. :)
I also recently discovered that I could find cheap queer books online, and so for the first time in my life, I can dive into that subject like I have never been able to before. I love it! It is so hard to find queer books where I live, much less find them cheaply or find good ones. I hardly even care about being a "prepper" for potential personal hard times anymore, except when it comes to hoarding good (queer and neutral) books, so there goes another subject I used to write regularly about.
I talk about being bisexual a lot here. But that's partly because almost all of my interesting (to me) thoughts relate to it or touch on it, at least at this point in my life.
But I have a whole life, too. I get up and feed my chickens just like anyone else. I've recently found a podcast on Youtube, Tomefoolery, that talks about very strange books. (And yes, the host, Cody Melcher, is gay, but gay issues specifically don't come up very often in the show. And it still has some interesting episodes.) I really like to go through my things and get rid of some of them, to the point that most people would probably think that's strange. I just got done with tax season as a tax preparer, and that was very hard on an introvert like me.
But all of these other things that make up my life don't make me say, "So that's why some gay men don't like feminine men--misogyny is part of it! It's considered dishonorable for men to be like women," and, "So that's why that other book said that raids on gay bars considerably increased in the fifties--after the war, there was pressure on everyone to get married and have children--the baby boom!"
I make so many discoveries when reading about queer stuff. And I may go into these subjects more in-depth later.
But I guess my blog is mostly a gay blog for now. I would feel a little better about that if it had a gay title, but then that would constrain me to queer subjects, which I also don't want. Straight people may not realize it, but there are a lot things about being bisexual/queer that I find fascinating. Maybe they're not as interesting if one is straight, but there's still an audience for these themes. I guess I'll just have to find the right audience, if I don't have it already.
So please be warned, this blog is very gay. Thank you. :)
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Minimalism: How Many Is Too Many Books?
I saw someone online mention that her favorite color as a kid was "rainbow," and now it's "galaxy." So I guess she just added black. I mentioned that I had my Lesbrary arranged by color, in one big rainbow, and that it looked beautiful and she should try it. "No," she protested, "I have thousands of books. I couldn't find anything!"
That's a lot of books. And I can understand it too. Books are especially hard to get rid of. They contain stories or information that you're afraid you'll need or want someday. But if you're anything like me, too many books can be overwhelming. More than with things or clothes, my books function in my mind as a "to-do" list. They "expect" to be read, and I feel bad for them when they're not.
I don't really buy stuff anymore. I go online and buy cheap books. They take almost a month to get to me, but the price is right. I have to really want it, to pay more than four dollars for a book.
My goal used to be to have a majority of LGBT-themed books in my library (mostly nonfiction), and I did not feel at ease until I managed it. If I was going to be a minority in society, having to go to work and see hundreds of straight couples over a tax season, I wanted my books to be majority gay. I would never have thought of getting rid of even one gay book. If society collapsed or we lost power or I didn't have spending money, I wanted access to many gay books.
But now the majority of my books are homosexual, and a few are transgender. (Yes, I think of books as attracted to other books or transitioning to other genders. Some people name and assign genders to their phones and computers, I do this. It's just for fun.) But joking aside, most of my books are about LGBT subjects. I try to avoid books about discrimination and violence, though. I want books that are positive, helpful, and gay.
But now I get rid of LGBT books. Just the ones that I don't like or that I don't want to read again. I'm able to get rid of LGBT books, because I have so many other LGBT books. This is what happens when you have enough of your favorite category of books. You become more comfortable letting go of the boring or less helpful ones, because you have plenty of others.
I have about 150 to 175 books at any one time, though I am always getting new ones and getting rid of old ones, so it's hard to keep track. I used to think I wanted thousands of books, but now I have plenty of my favorite categories, so I don't need that many.
I've also realized that I would rather read my favorite stories over and over, like Timekeeper by Tara Sim and Dreadnought by April Daniels, than to read something new but boring. So the boring fiction goes. Sometimes I don't even finish it. I don't have to keep things just because they are LGBT fiction. It has to have something more also, like science fiction or fantasy themes.
And I've learned that you become faster at getting rid of books, when you have other books that you love. When you have your own idea of enough favorite books, you become more comfortable throwing out the others. You also become better at realizing quickly that you don't like a book. (I used to write down the books I got rid of, to make it easier to find them if I wanted them back. I don't feel I have to do that very much now, but this idea can help you start to part with your less-favorite books.)
You don't need stuff when you have enough books that you love. Shopping would take money away from books, and you can't read clothes. I wonder how many people shop because they're bored--because they don't have their favorite topic as intellectual stimulation.
So many people think that they have to have a variety of different topics, in order to have an interesting library or to keep their own interest. But there is so much variety of subjects within any given category. And some people are "divers," meaning that they want to know all they can about one topic, before they can move on--if they ever lose interest in the first place. (This idea comes from Barbara Sher's I Can Do Anything (If Only I Knew What It Was)). You may need most of your library to be on one topic, not many!
I think being a "diver" is more common than most people realize. For me, my diving subject is LGBT studies. For my mom, it's natural health, and natural health for animals. I once asked her why she didn't want books that were more fun. She said that reading about health, for her, was fun.
For my dad, it's guns and knives and other things having to do with survival in the woods or in/after any apocalypse. Both my parents have had books on these subjects ever since I can remember, and both of them now also read extensively online about their chosen subject. This may be where I get my obsessiveness from, but this is also what makes me happy--focusing on one thing for years or more at a time.
And it may be the same way with you. What is your passion with regard to books and learning? What is the one book you've been most excited to come across in your life--and what did it talk about? Thinking about this may actually change your life. It has for me.
That's a lot of books. And I can understand it too. Books are especially hard to get rid of. They contain stories or information that you're afraid you'll need or want someday. But if you're anything like me, too many books can be overwhelming. More than with things or clothes, my books function in my mind as a "to-do" list. They "expect" to be read, and I feel bad for them when they're not.
I don't really buy stuff anymore. I go online and buy cheap books. They take almost a month to get to me, but the price is right. I have to really want it, to pay more than four dollars for a book.
My goal used to be to have a majority of LGBT-themed books in my library (mostly nonfiction), and I did not feel at ease until I managed it. If I was going to be a minority in society, having to go to work and see hundreds of straight couples over a tax season, I wanted my books to be majority gay. I would never have thought of getting rid of even one gay book. If society collapsed or we lost power or I didn't have spending money, I wanted access to many gay books.
But now the majority of my books are homosexual, and a few are transgender. (Yes, I think of books as attracted to other books or transitioning to other genders. Some people name and assign genders to their phones and computers, I do this. It's just for fun.) But joking aside, most of my books are about LGBT subjects. I try to avoid books about discrimination and violence, though. I want books that are positive, helpful, and gay.
But now I get rid of LGBT books. Just the ones that I don't like or that I don't want to read again. I'm able to get rid of LGBT books, because I have so many other LGBT books. This is what happens when you have enough of your favorite category of books. You become more comfortable letting go of the boring or less helpful ones, because you have plenty of others.
I have about 150 to 175 books at any one time, though I am always getting new ones and getting rid of old ones, so it's hard to keep track. I used to think I wanted thousands of books, but now I have plenty of my favorite categories, so I don't need that many.
I've also realized that I would rather read my favorite stories over and over, like Timekeeper by Tara Sim and Dreadnought by April Daniels, than to read something new but boring. So the boring fiction goes. Sometimes I don't even finish it. I don't have to keep things just because they are LGBT fiction. It has to have something more also, like science fiction or fantasy themes.
And I've learned that you become faster at getting rid of books, when you have other books that you love. When you have your own idea of enough favorite books, you become more comfortable throwing out the others. You also become better at realizing quickly that you don't like a book. (I used to write down the books I got rid of, to make it easier to find them if I wanted them back. I don't feel I have to do that very much now, but this idea can help you start to part with your less-favorite books.)
You don't need stuff when you have enough books that you love. Shopping would take money away from books, and you can't read clothes. I wonder how many people shop because they're bored--because they don't have their favorite topic as intellectual stimulation.
So many people think that they have to have a variety of different topics, in order to have an interesting library or to keep their own interest. But there is so much variety of subjects within any given category. And some people are "divers," meaning that they want to know all they can about one topic, before they can move on--if they ever lose interest in the first place. (This idea comes from Barbara Sher's I Can Do Anything (If Only I Knew What It Was)). You may need most of your library to be on one topic, not many!
I think being a "diver" is more common than most people realize. For me, my diving subject is LGBT studies. For my mom, it's natural health, and natural health for animals. I once asked her why she didn't want books that were more fun. She said that reading about health, for her, was fun.
For my dad, it's guns and knives and other things having to do with survival in the woods or in/after any apocalypse. Both my parents have had books on these subjects ever since I can remember, and both of them now also read extensively online about their chosen subject. This may be where I get my obsessiveness from, but this is also what makes me happy--focusing on one thing for years or more at a time.
And it may be the same way with you. What is your passion with regard to books and learning? What is the one book you've been most excited to come across in your life--and what did it talk about? Thinking about this may actually change your life. It has for me.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
LGBT: How To Stop The Hurtful/Religious Voices
I am reading a great book, Loving Someone Gay by Don Clark. Written in 1977, the only things that seem outdated in it are the legal restrictions and (some of) the general lack of support for LGBT rights and even safety. He even has an entire chapter devoted to what is good, specifically, about being gay.
But in every book which tries to provide an overview of gay life, there is extensive mention of violence, discrimination, and religious abuse. It's great for ignorant straight people to know about these things, but I hate being reminded of them. I try to make everything I write positive or helpful, and I want everything I read to be the same way.
Every time I read of violence and lack of legal rights and protections, or even sometimes when I'm not reading anything at all, I hear all the hurtful things that have been said about LGBT people in general, or to me in particular, back when I liked to talk to people online. They are mostly religious in nature, for me. It's the idea that, after all my years of effort at being a good Christian, now I suddenly don't love God and never have, that hurts me the most.
And though I didn't come out to him yet, I talked to my homophobic uncle on the phone the other day, mentioning that I was afraid of him as a child (which is very much true). He shocked me when he said, "I'm sorry you were afraid of me...I wouldn't hurt you for the world." That meant a lot to me. There is a lot more than sexuality, that has been left unsaid over the years, but if he keeps this up, I'm going to talk to him when I call my grandparents (he lives with them) and slowly reveal more and more of myself.
Since talking to him, the tone of the "hurtful voices" inside my head (though they are not auditory illusions, just hurtful thoughts that I have to struggle through) have changed. It used to be his voice, primarily, that would hurt. Now it's others, strangers and preachers who just don't care whom they hurt. All of them are still religious.
And I'm not sure if this is a good change or a bad one. But I find it interesting that there are always hurtful voices ready to rush into my mind. I take out one, or nearly all of one, and the others fill his place.
Finally I couldn't take it anymore. "Stop!" I said aloud. "Stop hurting me!"
And they quieted. The religious arguments against something I didn't choose, didn't go away completely, but I got a little bit of a respite. But I don't like that I had to say, "Stop hurting me," to myself. Especially after all the effort I put into affirmations and self-love.
People try to tell me, and themselves, that their hurting me is right. That it is from God. But they're not in my life. I've done everything I could to eradicate them all. So why are their ghosts still here?
Hurtful words always echo. You can speak directly to the echoes ("Stop it! Stop hurting me!") or you can try to silence them with self-love ("I love myself. I'm a happy gay person.") Sometimes your self-love can be louder than the echoes, other times you have to more directly silence them.
I used to give in to the urge to argue with myself, thinking that I would be ready if someone challenged me, and that that was the way to silence the "voices" that told me I was sinning just by liking myself as I was, and not loathing myself enough for something that I didn't choose.
But the thing is, after a long time, I was still arguing with myself. The voices just kept coming, sometimes the same arguments over and over. It was so tiring. I made a solid argument in favor of my happiness and well-being, and it wasn't enough. I was still struggling. I got the impression that if I was the only person left in the world, I would still be struggling with homophobic voices.
So I started saying to myself, "I'm having trouble with this," and trying to let the toxic voices just float through my head like water in a stream, washing itself away. My mom had told me years ago that it helped her to relax for sleep if she tried not to "grab onto" the thoughts in her head, just let them float through. I tried to use this technique to relax for life. I pictured myself tying them onto an imaginary balloon, and letting go up, up, and away.
And sometimes it helps, though I find that I need a variety of techniques to combat the negativity. What works one moment, won't work the next.
Typing up my arguments also sometimes helps, though I don't want to publish them, because I want what I write to be positive, not defensive or negative. And I certainly don't want to trigger anyone else's hurtful voices. Or give the impression to future (homophobic) readers that I'm up for a debate about my right to live and be happy.
But if you don't overdue it, sometimes it helps to type up your arguments, in an effort to get them out of your head.
I have never seen any kind of LGBT material devoted to stopping the homophobic, often religious voices in your own head. And yet that is what I struggle with the most. I don't struggle with my own thoughts of me being worthless--I struggle with other people's thoughts of me being worthless, or wicked, or deceived.
So I hope this has helped people like me. In summary:
1) Tell those voices, whether they're hateful or well-meaning, to stop hurting you.
2) Focus on loving yourself, and speaking lovingly to yourself, in general.
3) Acknowledge that you are struggling, and let the negative thoughts drift away into the clouds. Don't "grab onto" them.
4) Type up your arguments, if nothing else works, to get them out of your head.
5) Again, love yourself. Be easy on yourself, because it takes a long time to get over religious abuse. Love yourself even in the struggle.
I hope this helps anyone struggling with unhappiness, whether LGBT or not. Be kind to yourselves. You deserve it.
But in every book which tries to provide an overview of gay life, there is extensive mention of violence, discrimination, and religious abuse. It's great for ignorant straight people to know about these things, but I hate being reminded of them. I try to make everything I write positive or helpful, and I want everything I read to be the same way.
Every time I read of violence and lack of legal rights and protections, or even sometimes when I'm not reading anything at all, I hear all the hurtful things that have been said about LGBT people in general, or to me in particular, back when I liked to talk to people online. They are mostly religious in nature, for me. It's the idea that, after all my years of effort at being a good Christian, now I suddenly don't love God and never have, that hurts me the most.
And though I didn't come out to him yet, I talked to my homophobic uncle on the phone the other day, mentioning that I was afraid of him as a child (which is very much true). He shocked me when he said, "I'm sorry you were afraid of me...I wouldn't hurt you for the world." That meant a lot to me. There is a lot more than sexuality, that has been left unsaid over the years, but if he keeps this up, I'm going to talk to him when I call my grandparents (he lives with them) and slowly reveal more and more of myself.
Since talking to him, the tone of the "hurtful voices" inside my head (though they are not auditory illusions, just hurtful thoughts that I have to struggle through) have changed. It used to be his voice, primarily, that would hurt. Now it's others, strangers and preachers who just don't care whom they hurt. All of them are still religious.
And I'm not sure if this is a good change or a bad one. But I find it interesting that there are always hurtful voices ready to rush into my mind. I take out one, or nearly all of one, and the others fill his place.
Finally I couldn't take it anymore. "Stop!" I said aloud. "Stop hurting me!"
And they quieted. The religious arguments against something I didn't choose, didn't go away completely, but I got a little bit of a respite. But I don't like that I had to say, "Stop hurting me," to myself. Especially after all the effort I put into affirmations and self-love.
People try to tell me, and themselves, that their hurting me is right. That it is from God. But they're not in my life. I've done everything I could to eradicate them all. So why are their ghosts still here?
Hurtful words always echo. You can speak directly to the echoes ("Stop it! Stop hurting me!") or you can try to silence them with self-love ("I love myself. I'm a happy gay person.") Sometimes your self-love can be louder than the echoes, other times you have to more directly silence them.
I used to give in to the urge to argue with myself, thinking that I would be ready if someone challenged me, and that that was the way to silence the "voices" that told me I was sinning just by liking myself as I was, and not loathing myself enough for something that I didn't choose.
But the thing is, after a long time, I was still arguing with myself. The voices just kept coming, sometimes the same arguments over and over. It was so tiring. I made a solid argument in favor of my happiness and well-being, and it wasn't enough. I was still struggling. I got the impression that if I was the only person left in the world, I would still be struggling with homophobic voices.
So I started saying to myself, "I'm having trouble with this," and trying to let the toxic voices just float through my head like water in a stream, washing itself away. My mom had told me years ago that it helped her to relax for sleep if she tried not to "grab onto" the thoughts in her head, just let them float through. I tried to use this technique to relax for life. I pictured myself tying them onto an imaginary balloon, and letting go up, up, and away.
And sometimes it helps, though I find that I need a variety of techniques to combat the negativity. What works one moment, won't work the next.
Typing up my arguments also sometimes helps, though I don't want to publish them, because I want what I write to be positive, not defensive or negative. And I certainly don't want to trigger anyone else's hurtful voices. Or give the impression to future (homophobic) readers that I'm up for a debate about my right to live and be happy.
But if you don't overdue it, sometimes it helps to type up your arguments, in an effort to get them out of your head.
I have never seen any kind of LGBT material devoted to stopping the homophobic, often religious voices in your own head. And yet that is what I struggle with the most. I don't struggle with my own thoughts of me being worthless--I struggle with other people's thoughts of me being worthless, or wicked, or deceived.
So I hope this has helped people like me. In summary:
1) Tell those voices, whether they're hateful or well-meaning, to stop hurting you.
2) Focus on loving yourself, and speaking lovingly to yourself, in general.
3) Acknowledge that you are struggling, and let the negative thoughts drift away into the clouds. Don't "grab onto" them.
4) Type up your arguments, if nothing else works, to get them out of your head.
5) Again, love yourself. Be easy on yourself, because it takes a long time to get over religious abuse. Love yourself even in the struggle.
I hope this helps anyone struggling with unhappiness, whether LGBT or not. Be kind to yourselves. You deserve it.
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Bi Talk With My Little Brother
My "little brother" (the druggie neighbor's baby that my family and I raised) wanted more pants to wear to school, so my mom got him some really stylish women's pants. (He does not know what section of the store they came from.) They're pink and purple, but we're calling them red and blue, because his biological dad, whom he lives with at least half the time, isn't very enlightened, and we don't want Cody to be ashamed. He loves his new pants! He also wants tennis shoes that are hot pink and black.
I think he would dress a lot more feminine and artistic if he could, at his house.
A few weeks ago we had a great conversation, while I was picking him up, about a kid who in his class who said he was bisexual, and dating a girl, but "called her a boy," as Sam put it.
I asked him if he knew I was bisexual, and he quickly said, "Yeah, and I don't mean anything against it..." I told him I knew that, and asked him not to tell his biological family because I don't know if they will let him come over if they know. He said he didn't tell anyone. I told him I didn't care, as long as he didn't tell his other family.
I also said that especially at that age, people might still be figuring out their gender or who they like. (He's 13.) Maybe the "girl" was actually a trans boy, or still figuring it out?
I don't know what Cody's clothing choices mean, but I was surprised that he brought up the bisexual boy, and I think this means he knows he can talk to me about important things like gender and sexuality.
He always likes to talk to me, when I'm driving him places! :)
It was a really heartwarming conversation, and I hope he can just be himself, whatever he is (if "he" is accurate), as he gets older.
He once described being gay as "It's just another personality." He was about ten at the time. It was very cute. All of this makes me wonder if we will make even more social progress, as both his and my generation (I'm twelve years older than him) get older. I don't doubt that there is probably some homophobic bullying in his small rural middle school, but I have also seen a rainbow heart sign in someone's front yard, in the tiny little town where he has his school and we have our post office box. The future is bleak--but it is also bright.
He once described being gay as "It's just another personality." He was about ten at the time. It was very cute. All of this makes me wonder if we will make even more social progress, as both his and my generation (I'm twelve years older than him) get older. I don't doubt that there is probably some homophobic bullying in his small rural middle school, but I have also seen a rainbow heart sign in someone's front yard, in the tiny little town where he has his school and we have our post office box. The future is bleak--but it is also bright.
Did I "Wish" Myself Gay?
(I use the term "gay" loosely, since I am technically bisexual, but I don't completely like that word, because I wonder if being with a man will make me wish I wasn't "missing out." I often think of "gay" as all but the T in LGBT.)
I always knew that other girls were different than me, and I always wondered what was wrong with them.
Now I am really excited that I get to be gay. I find myself literally thinking, "I can't believe I get to be gay! I get to kiss and be with a girl someday! This is awesome!"
But the thing is...if I am so excited that I "get to" be gay, doesn't that mean that I secretly wished I was gay all along? And if I secretly wished I was gay all along, doesn't that mean that I actually was gay, and was actually wishing that I could be with a girl?
I remember my mom recounting to me a survival show that she watched with my dad, because he likes them, and that's how they spend time together. (I know this is a second-hand account, but I can't be bothered to try to look up the show or the clip.) The man who was alone in the wilderness started complaining about women rejecting him and breaking his heart. "I wish I could be gay!" he exclaimed mournfully. "But alas, I am not gay!"
And it makes me wonder, why does he wish he was gay? To be with men? Well, I've got good news for you, buddy! You're at least bisexual! :)
I've also got bad news: Men might be just as shitty as women.(Hint hint: You're a man--right? Are you sure you didn't give them a good reason to leave you?) Don't be sexist.
And it amazes me how many people still assume I want a man, even after I've discovered this part of myself. I guess they didn't get the memo. My mom says I don't give off "gay vibes" even at work among the conservatives, but in my mind, I walk through the world like a bull dyke. I already have a low voice and big, heavy feet. And I like my feet. Sometimes I even like my voice, except when it gets tired at work and cracks.
Do they think I am just clueless about makeup, too clueless to put any on? I sometimes wonder if my coworkers just think I'm a simpleton about being a traditional girl. Or maybe the receptionist, who is the most vocally conservative, thinks I don't believe makeup is modest enough to please God. I'm honestly surprised that old woman wears pants, even though she sometimes wears long skirts too.
Looking back, there are some things that probably should have given me a clue about my bisexuality. My jokes in church youth group about flirting with other girls. My grandmother calling me, "You little gay thing, you," when I joked about it with my family. Thinking that maybe someday, if I lost my husband, it might be fun to be an old lesbian feminist in a hippie commune. Thinking that stuff like that was just feminist sisterhood. Thinking it felt strange, the thought of being "the woman" in a relationship with a man--and sometimes it even felt strange to think of being with a man.
My body fooled me, because my feelings towards other girls didn't "feel" sexual, because it felt different than my feelings towards boys. It still does. It seems it took a while for the sexual feelings to catch up. Maybe I was just repressing something.
I have two different feelings, for two different binary genders, but that doesn't make either one less real or intense. I don't know if it means that I only feel romantic towards one gender or the other, or if it means something else. Or if it means anything at all. But I think it would be a shame, if I fell in love with a man, and then that was it--my chances of dating a woman would then drop to zero. And I do like some guys, sometimes very much. But how to tell a guy that he is not enough, or that he eventually won't be?
Dating a woman is on my bucket list. Because I can do that now! And I never realized, before three years ago, that I really, really wanted that. I wanted that chance. And now I have it.
I thought of my feelings for women as "sensual," and because I was distracted by boys, I didn't realize that I could be girl-crazy too. Now I'm in love with everybody, and since I'm an introvert and a very lazy dater, I'm not acting on any of it. Maybe after tax season, when I don't have to worry about learning my new job anymore.
It's a strange feeling, to stumble on something you never knew you wanted. I try to have a loose grip on my expectations of the future, because of the huge rainbow turn my life has taken. What else don't I know? It's like I'm at the mercy capricious, gay gods, who are laughing at me.
I love it, though. LGBT stuff provides endless learning, and through learning about others' lives and perspectives, I hope to learn more about myself. It's endlessly fascinating, and I never get tired of it. When I can resist the urge to argue with the homophobic thoughts that pop into my head, and just focus on good things--or deal with the grief that comes up, so that I can move on--I think it's really awesome to be gay.
Someday I'll know what comedian Wanda Sykes is talking about when she says, "Pussy makes you do crazy things." Someday I'll share my life with another crazy old cat lady--who isn't my mom. Somebody attractive. (My mom got really mad when I once used the phrase, "Like you, but attractive." Even though my mom and I share the same sense of humor, and almost all the same values, I'm afraid she has pretty much turned me off to curly hair or big boobs on skinny people. I don't want to think of my mom when kissing someone.)
Someday I can have an awesome life, centered mostly around women. My life is already more awesome than it was when I thought I was straight. It's like I wished for this all along.
I always knew that other girls were different than me, and I always wondered what was wrong with them.
Now I am really excited that I get to be gay. I find myself literally thinking, "I can't believe I get to be gay! I get to kiss and be with a girl someday! This is awesome!"
But the thing is...if I am so excited that I "get to" be gay, doesn't that mean that I secretly wished I was gay all along? And if I secretly wished I was gay all along, doesn't that mean that I actually was gay, and was actually wishing that I could be with a girl?
I remember my mom recounting to me a survival show that she watched with my dad, because he likes them, and that's how they spend time together. (I know this is a second-hand account, but I can't be bothered to try to look up the show or the clip.) The man who was alone in the wilderness started complaining about women rejecting him and breaking his heart. "I wish I could be gay!" he exclaimed mournfully. "But alas, I am not gay!"
And it makes me wonder, why does he wish he was gay? To be with men? Well, I've got good news for you, buddy! You're at least bisexual! :)
I've also got bad news: Men might be just as shitty as women.(Hint hint: You're a man--right? Are you sure you didn't give them a good reason to leave you?) Don't be sexist.
And it amazes me how many people still assume I want a man, even after I've discovered this part of myself. I guess they didn't get the memo. My mom says I don't give off "gay vibes" even at work among the conservatives, but in my mind, I walk through the world like a bull dyke. I already have a low voice and big, heavy feet. And I like my feet. Sometimes I even like my voice, except when it gets tired at work and cracks.
Do they think I am just clueless about makeup, too clueless to put any on? I sometimes wonder if my coworkers just think I'm a simpleton about being a traditional girl. Or maybe the receptionist, who is the most vocally conservative, thinks I don't believe makeup is modest enough to please God. I'm honestly surprised that old woman wears pants, even though she sometimes wears long skirts too.
Looking back, there are some things that probably should have given me a clue about my bisexuality. My jokes in church youth group about flirting with other girls. My grandmother calling me, "You little gay thing, you," when I joked about it with my family. Thinking that maybe someday, if I lost my husband, it might be fun to be an old lesbian feminist in a hippie commune. Thinking that stuff like that was just feminist sisterhood. Thinking it felt strange, the thought of being "the woman" in a relationship with a man--and sometimes it even felt strange to think of being with a man.
My body fooled me, because my feelings towards other girls didn't "feel" sexual, because it felt different than my feelings towards boys. It still does. It seems it took a while for the sexual feelings to catch up. Maybe I was just repressing something.
I have two different feelings, for two different binary genders, but that doesn't make either one less real or intense. I don't know if it means that I only feel romantic towards one gender or the other, or if it means something else. Or if it means anything at all. But I think it would be a shame, if I fell in love with a man, and then that was it--my chances of dating a woman would then drop to zero. And I do like some guys, sometimes very much. But how to tell a guy that he is not enough, or that he eventually won't be?
Dating a woman is on my bucket list. Because I can do that now! And I never realized, before three years ago, that I really, really wanted that. I wanted that chance. And now I have it.
I thought of my feelings for women as "sensual," and because I was distracted by boys, I didn't realize that I could be girl-crazy too. Now I'm in love with everybody, and since I'm an introvert and a very lazy dater, I'm not acting on any of it. Maybe after tax season, when I don't have to worry about learning my new job anymore.
It's a strange feeling, to stumble on something you never knew you wanted. I try to have a loose grip on my expectations of the future, because of the huge rainbow turn my life has taken. What else don't I know? It's like I'm at the mercy capricious, gay gods, who are laughing at me.
I love it, though. LGBT stuff provides endless learning, and through learning about others' lives and perspectives, I hope to learn more about myself. It's endlessly fascinating, and I never get tired of it. When I can resist the urge to argue with the homophobic thoughts that pop into my head, and just focus on good things--or deal with the grief that comes up, so that I can move on--I think it's really awesome to be gay.
Someday I'll know what comedian Wanda Sykes is talking about when she says, "Pussy makes you do crazy things." Someday I'll share my life with another crazy old cat lady--who isn't my mom. Somebody attractive. (My mom got really mad when I once used the phrase, "Like you, but attractive." Even though my mom and I share the same sense of humor, and almost all the same values, I'm afraid she has pretty much turned me off to curly hair or big boobs on skinny people. I don't want to think of my mom when kissing someone.)
Someday I can have an awesome life, centered mostly around women. My life is already more awesome than it was when I thought I was straight. It's like I wished for this all along.
Saturday, March 18, 2017
Hello Again, And My Life Now
Hello, everyone. I know it's been a while since I've posted, but my new job as a tax preparer has been very trying emotionally, at least for me. It is the first job I have ever had that was "professional" in some capacity, and it involves both the IRS and other people's money. I couldn't even think of writing anything, before.
My nervousness is getting better, because my boss seems nice, and I am sort of used to dealing with clients now, though I still am sometimes afraid of looking incompetent or not knowing what to say to their questions.
I write sporadically, especially during tax season or other trying times. This is something I do for my hobby. I hope that everyone understands that even though I sometimes can't write, that doesn't mean that I've given up on my blog.
Every day now, my mom drops me off in her old van. I leave the queer books I've been reading on the way down, in the van, and take my "straight" books with me to read at lunch. I really love my Lesbrary, stocked carefully from books ordered online. This job even lets me order more than I would otherwise. But bringing them in might start a conversation that I'm not ready to have, especially with the conservative receptionist.
My mom calls me her favorite fruit, and reassures me that I don't give off "gay vibes," as I thought I did. I try to remember how straight girls act, from the time I thought I was one. But did I ever really know how straight girls acted? I always knew the other girls were different than me, and always wondered what was wrong with them.
My mom says that, unless I am attracted to someone in the office, I have nothing to worry about. Thankfully, the sign waver, a local celebrity, is a guy. He is attractive in a "dirty hippie" type way. And he is terribly nice to everyone. Probably an extrovert, when I am an introvert, but he could just go socialize without me. He seems to want to socialize with me, though, which I don't mind. He doesn't seem to smile at others in the office, as much as he smiles at me.
The conservative receptionist thinks I'm as religious as she is, because I was homeschooled. I assume she thinks that includes homophobia. Right now I just want to worry about learning my job, rather than correcting her.
She is one of the most materialistic people I have ever met. She literally gushes over any expensive-looking car in the parking lot, or if a client is dressed to show off wealth. This is just typical of conservatives, that I have met. And that I'm related to.
I just want comfortable clothes that I like, and a reliable car. If you have those things, you are already in a position to count your blessings. I have both those things, and I know how blessed I am.
I love my twenty-seven-year-old, hand-me-down car. I love all of my clothes, most of them bought at a thrift shop, when I was shopping probably too much. I have a lot of clothes, but I don't have any desire to buy any more. (At least, not ready-made clothes. I may make some clothes, or let my mother help me make them, because I like to be creative. But then I am very particular. I don't care about designer clothing.)
It feels good to write again, even if it is about little bits of this and that. I may do it some more, maybe even between now and the end of tax season. But it may be sporadic. I don't do well on regular writing schedules, and I think that should be considered okay by society, if it isn't already. So thank you for bearing with me.
My nervousness is getting better, because my boss seems nice, and I am sort of used to dealing with clients now, though I still am sometimes afraid of looking incompetent or not knowing what to say to their questions.
I write sporadically, especially during tax season or other trying times. This is something I do for my hobby. I hope that everyone understands that even though I sometimes can't write, that doesn't mean that I've given up on my blog.
Every day now, my mom drops me off in her old van. I leave the queer books I've been reading on the way down, in the van, and take my "straight" books with me to read at lunch. I really love my Lesbrary, stocked carefully from books ordered online. This job even lets me order more than I would otherwise. But bringing them in might start a conversation that I'm not ready to have, especially with the conservative receptionist.
My mom calls me her favorite fruit, and reassures me that I don't give off "gay vibes," as I thought I did. I try to remember how straight girls act, from the time I thought I was one. But did I ever really know how straight girls acted? I always knew the other girls were different than me, and always wondered what was wrong with them.
My mom says that, unless I am attracted to someone in the office, I have nothing to worry about. Thankfully, the sign waver, a local celebrity, is a guy. He is attractive in a "dirty hippie" type way. And he is terribly nice to everyone. Probably an extrovert, when I am an introvert, but he could just go socialize without me. He seems to want to socialize with me, though, which I don't mind. He doesn't seem to smile at others in the office, as much as he smiles at me.
The conservative receptionist thinks I'm as religious as she is, because I was homeschooled. I assume she thinks that includes homophobia. Right now I just want to worry about learning my job, rather than correcting her.
She is one of the most materialistic people I have ever met. She literally gushes over any expensive-looking car in the parking lot, or if a client is dressed to show off wealth. This is just typical of conservatives, that I have met. And that I'm related to.
I just want comfortable clothes that I like, and a reliable car. If you have those things, you are already in a position to count your blessings. I have both those things, and I know how blessed I am.
I love my twenty-seven-year-old, hand-me-down car. I love all of my clothes, most of them bought at a thrift shop, when I was shopping probably too much. I have a lot of clothes, but I don't have any desire to buy any more. (At least, not ready-made clothes. I may make some clothes, or let my mother help me make them, because I like to be creative. But then I am very particular. I don't care about designer clothing.)
It feels good to write again, even if it is about little bits of this and that. I may do it some more, maybe even between now and the end of tax season. But it may be sporadic. I don't do well on regular writing schedules, and I think that should be considered okay by society, if it isn't already. So thank you for bearing with me.
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