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Saturday, August 12, 2017

LGBTQ: How To Deal With The Religious Homophobes Inside Your Head

I woke up this morning with my cat demanding to come in my window and cuddle with me. I let him in, lay down again, and started petting him. He cuddled right up to me, and demanded more and more petting.
It was such a happy moment, but for some reason, I had woken up thinking about the homophobic people I had encountered over the years. I found myself getting upset and arguing with them once again--even though they weren't really there, only in my thoughts.
Society's homophobia, and my reactions to it, had ruined a perfectly good moment. So I tried to remind myself that they weren't here, they didn't want to be convinced not to hurt people, and they didn't matter. It wasn't easy, but I tried to think of happy things.

I don't believe that anyone "lets" someone bother them. I don't believe that for one second, because I never chose to be bothered by people--why would I? I want to be happy!
But it's important to remember that, though it is very difficult, sometimes you have to at least try to stop arguing with phantoms. You have to at least try to think of what you look forward to about the day, even if it's something very small.
Your energy is too precious to be wasted on anything you don't want to do. On something that doesn't accomplish anything for you. On people that deep down, like to hurt others, though they won't admit that to themselves.
(I say they like to hurt others, because there are so many resources out there, they could at least look at why some people believe God does not punish people for being themselves and falling in love. But they don't. And so they are getting something out of hurting others.)

I think often of Ellen Degeneres. She doesn't waste time arguing with her haters. She just does her show and her voice acting. I try to emulate that attitude.

For me, arguing with imaginary homophobes--the reflections of my own homophobic side--threatens to hurt my writing.
I think back to when I was much more productive with my writing. This was about ten years ago, when I was fifteen and sixteen. What was different about that time? For one, I thought I was straight at the time. I assumed gay issues, while hurting others, did not affect directly. Now I realize it does.  I had other things to be bothered about--but nothing that made me a bad person. So now, I try to remind myself of my good qualities, and that wanting to be straight doesn't necessarily make someone good. So the fact that I just want to be myself, is just as good a choice. (Probably better, or at least easier!)
Another thing that was different is that I didn't have access to the internet as much as I do now. No one limited how much time I spent on it or what I read, but there weren't as many resources for every subject as there is now. And there weren't as many comment sections. And I wasn't on Facebook.
What I'm saying is, it used to be that we all didn't have access to arguments the way we do now. It used to be that we argued about things as they came up with relatives and friends. Now I can go literally almost anywhere on the internet and pick a fight about something if I wanted to. In fact, it's hard not to come across controversy sometimes.
I also literally always have the option, on Facebook, to go back and revisit the horribly, religiously homophobic people I've messaged (when they've had children) or who have messaged me. There is no "I did what I could, and now they're gone." And that sucks.
There are some people who are hurting their children, and they refuse to change because they like it--even if they don't think it's their children they are hurting. And now I have access to these self-righteous people, access which I don't want. And that sucks.
So I try to limit my internet usage to "happy" things as much as possible. And I often go a few days a week, at least, without checking Facebook. Facebook can wait.

I also used to feel silenced a lot. About ten years ago, the thought of arguing with someone scared me. Now I finally feel like I have a voice, and a right to say what I believe and what I think is right. But I often feel obligated to defend myself from verbal attacks--even when the attackers aren't there. And though I have a voice now, I am not obligated to use it, especially all the time. I can have a life, too.

Sometimes I pour out my soul in a special document on my computer. I dump all the mental toxins there, argue all I want to, and no one has to see it or get an opportunity to respond. I always have the option of saying these things later. Sometimes I pour out my soul, and then I can create positive things. With my writing, and in other endeavors, and just with my life.
I have found that I actually need a battery of techniques to combat my internalized homophobia and how it manifests in my life and my mind. Sometimes dumping all my feelings on paper helps. And sometimes it helps more to just try to write about good things, and focus on the positive things about my life. Or to tunelessly hum my feelings. Or to try to help others with my writing.

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