My biggest struggle with what I believe can be called "internalized homophobia," for me personally, is not thinking along the lines of, "Why am I so bad for being gay?" but getting defensive whenever I do or think something LGBT-positive. Most often I hear the voice of my closeted--ahem, homophobic--uncle, whom I've often feared because he physically bullied me as a child.
I hear his voice mocking LGBT people, whether he would do that in real life or not. (Frankly, I really don't care to know.) Or "he," in my mind, tries to be self-righteous with his religion--as he in real life has done before, and not only for this controversy. And I tend to automatically feel as if I have to answer and argue back, even in my own mind, so that I can "stay sharp" if it ever happens in real life. Or I find myself arguing back automatically, without thinking about it. And it is exhausting.
I have recently come up with a simply visualization, though, that has helped me. Ultimately, it should not matter what they say, or who "wins" the argument, because at the end of the day, I will go back to my queer life. And I should try to be happy, not try to win arguments. Yes, it would be nice to convince others not to be cruel or not to hurt others, but I can't convince them if that's what they already want to do. So I need to focus on creating a good life for myself.
I have created a visualization that helps me not to feel compelled all the time to argue, and it goes thus:
I am walking down the street, perhaps marching in a Pride parade, or perhaps wearing an LGBT-supportive t-shirt, etc. I am walking past an anti-gay protester holding a sign. I am the target of that protestor's attention, maybe his rage or self-righteousness. He perhaps yells at me, or tells me I am going to hell, or calls me a faggot--I tailor this fantasy to suit what bothers me at the moment.
I walk on past him, turning a deaf ear to him. I totally ignore him, because he is not worth my time. Arguing is just what he wants, and would only make him more stubborn. He is not worth my time. I have better things to do.
I walk past him, and enter a coffee shop to buy a fancy coffee drink--or I enter another store to treat myself to something else.
Basically, I ignore and walk past a protestor, to treat myself to something good, something I like.
I don't feel the need to argue. I don't feel the need to prove myself to him. I just walk right past him, close to him, but I keep moving. I overcome my fears. And at the end of walking past him, there is a reward.
And yes, it is most often a "him," because my uncle, as far as I know, is a "him." And he is most often the one that bothers me.
It is so tempting to try to argue with everyone, but, as a friend once told me, "I think your mental health is more important than his bigotry." I will hopefully convince people to be more accepting, and therefore make the world a better place, by simply living my life as openly and happily as possible.
This visualization helps me, in practicing not being bothered. I live in such a small town, I don't know if I will ever encounter protestors of this nature here. But the protestor is more of a symbol, in my mind, than an actual person. And I try this visualization whenever I feel defensive towards the "protestors" in my own mind.
I hope this is helpful to you. I do wonder how many people feel bad for being LGBT, and how many, like me, feel defensive because of detractors and religious bullies in their mind.
Take care of yourself. Remember, your mental health is more important than their bigotry.
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