I recently talked about watching a video in which a gay couple casually mentioned the $20,000 price tag of their wedding, which prompted me to decide between the two fancy dresses I have now, which one would be my future wedding dress. I decided on the purple one instead of the black one. It doesn't have to be white, and I don't want to get and keep a dress I love less than my other two, just because it's white.
I've never had a wedding, and I'm not even planning one currently, but I am determined not to go into debt, for one day out of my life, which I would be paying for many days out of my life. People used to make do with whatever they had, which was far less than shat we have today. Brides would pass around wedding dresses, they would wear white skirted suits, couples would simply go to the courthouse. And now we've got marriage equality (for now, and we will deal with any setbacks as the time comes), just for gay couples to screw themselves financially as much as straight couples do.
I talked to my mom about her own (straight) wedding, and she said that it was about $1,000, in 1990. Here's what I learned from her:
1) Do it in the evening, after everyone's already eaten dinner. She had it at 7:00 p.m., and only served cake and snacks. That was very smart! The rehearsal dinner was pizza at a local restaurant. Yum.
2) Have someone who sews make your dress as their gift. My mother designed her own dress, out of three different patterns, and my grandmother put it all together as her gift. This tip is for people who feel they must wear white, or don't want to use a dress they already have.(Can you imagine how much the gay couple mentioned above would have spent, had they both been women who like fancy dresses? All they got for all their money were matching tuxes.)
3) Have someone bake your cake as a gift to you. My mom said that her aunt had a major meltdown, on my mom's wedding day, crying, "I can't get the flowers to stick on the cake!" My mom still rolls her eyes when recounting that story. But her cake was free, even if she had to deal with an overly emotional baker. (I'm not sure how much my conservative family will someday participate in my presumably same-sex wedding. And if they would boycott a gay wedding, I don't want them at mine--even if it's to a man. If I have to bake my own cake, I will.)
4) Choose a cheap or free venue. My parents had the use of a church, because they were members there, and being married by the pastor, but that will not be so easy for me. Even the few affirming churches in town, which some of my gay friends go to, I do not want to attend, for various reasons. So I will have it at my grandparents' house or, if they or my homophobic uncle refuse me, at my own house or somewhere just as free. My aunt and uncle on my dad's side had theirs in their own backyard, which was lush with their huge garden, and it was a very charming and earthy wedding. I think hippie weddings are lovely.
5) Don't have bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc. My parents had them, but I don't see the point. Unless my future spouse really wants them, I don't care to have them. They're just people to put on display, and you can carry each other's rings. If you don't have the people, then you don't have to dress them. My mom caught a lucky break by finding bridesmaid's dresses on sale, but she says that renting the men's tuxes was still the biggest cost.
6) The less you pay for a wedding, the less pressure to have it be "perfect." My mom didn't care that the flowers didn't stick on the cake. But if she had paid the 1990 equivalent of $1,000 or more for that cake, plus the venue, the wedding dress(es), the catering...it might have been a very different story. She might have felt the urge to get her money's worth, and gotten upset that for that amount, everything wasn't perfectly perfect. She might have felt fearful and cheated. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
7) Remember that you can always renew your vows later. If you are dissatisfied with this wedding, seriously, just have another next year or in fifty years. You can do that, if your wedding budget is tiny--and not just tiny by wedding standards!
8) Remember that this is one day out of your life together. Yes, it should be special--but you don't need lots of money to make it special! You are committing to this wonderful person that you love. (Right?) You don't have to be a princess for a day, to feel special, if your mate is special enough. Don't handicap the new life you are starting together, by going into debt for only one day. Yes, it may be a memorable day--but should love really come with a huge bill attached? Make the memory of the day that you and your partner decided to make it easier on yourselves for years to come.
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