About two years ago, I discovered that a girl can get my heart racing just as good as some guys do (at age twenty-three--thanks, body, for that little prank you played on me, making me think I was straight for so very long--although, well, it was pretty brilliant). And since then, I've discovered that it makes sense that I was always very picky about guys, since I mostly like feminine-looking women with short hair.
My very first thought, when I saw the first of what I much later would realize was kind of my "type" (cute, feminine girl with short hair), was, "I can't be a lesbian! My life will be so much harder now!"
And it's true that it's a challenge to think about how to come out to my mother's conservative, religious family (though I think my dad's family is pretty liberal). Though my parents were easy, and they are completely accepting, I still wonder how my relationship with her family will be changed, once I come out.
But it isn't all more difficult for me now. There are some ways in which my life has improved, and even become easier. Most of it has to do with how I see myself now--though ironically, I deal with a form of internalized homophobia, too.
I find myself buying into stereotypes about lesbians, and I am partly or mostly lesbian. So I find myself thinking things like:
"I don't have to wear makeup anymore, I'll just be butch."
"I can wear as many flannels as I want to."
"I can open this pickle jar--lesbians are strong!"
"Who cares if I have a deep voice? That's expected of me. I should focus on using my words to speak my truth."
"Goodbye, high heels--I'm too gay to be uncomfortable!"
"Being a mechanic might actually HELP me find someone!"
"I can learn this, if I have an opportunity--my people are good with cars!"
"Pants to a wedding is fine for me!"
"Suze Orman is a lesbian--I'm good with money, because I'm like her."
"'Normal' women may wear skirts sometimes, but it's not strange for me to wear pants always, since I don't have to be 'normal' anymore."
Yes, some of these sound rather silly, but they make me feel better, nonetheless. And, well, I think they're true, at least in my case. It has given me a lot more confidence, in a lot of areas.
I no longer wonder if wanting to be "butch" sometimes (though with long hair) or wanting to work on cars indicates that I'm a lesbian. I already know the answer: Yes, yes it does--at least in my case. Just as "losing my faith" (conservative, evangelical faith) made me stop fearing that I would, well, lose my faith, being lesbianed by circumstances made me stop wondering if I was one. My sexuality isn't that scary anymore. It's just confusing, that's all!
And of course, I "should have" known all along that I can be and do whatever I want, not caring what others thought. But knowing something and "feeling" it are two different things. And now I no longer worry about not finding a mate, or being mistaken for a lesbian--because it won't be a mistake. And given my experience with people's assumptions so far, I know I'm probably going to have to, indeed, come out my whole life, like they say I will have to--at least as long as I am single, or not physically with her. (Unfortunately, that is actually a privilege, to be seen as straight.) So it's not likely that I'll be "mistaken" for a lesbian (though I was, once, when I held my mother's hand, and we were harassed for it--a story I'll share sometime in detail).
And the stereotypes I'm finding myself thinking, are pretty much all positive, for me personally. I don't feel a pressure to be butch, but I like wearing butch clothing on occasions. And I believe more in my innate abilities and physical and emotional strength. I'm not sure how it would be for a gay or "partly" gay man, though I hope he would take the license to be more "feminine" if he wishes, and not the negative, "weak" stereotypes. (Though why is everything beautiful considered to be feminine? That is twisted and fucked up.) I can't even think of how it would be for a trans person, though I hope they would gain more confidence at least in some ways.
I know these stereotypes come from assumptions, which are bad, but ironically, these gender-non-conforming stereotypes give me more permission to be myself, and believe in myself. It does make me wonder if, in order to believe in myself, I had to discover that I was "less feminine," according to stereotype, and what that means as far as internalized misogyny or sexism. It also makes me wonder if I'm also more confident because I know myself better, much better, than I did when I thought I was straight just two years ago--almost all of my life. I'm not sure how much of my new confidence comes from toxic original sources, and how much does not. But regardless, I am glad to have it.
Of course, it's definitely not all sunshine and roses when it comes to my sexuality. I don't know how my family will react or treat me when I come out--and I know I personally can't live my life, knowing that I will never be completely out, to my family. And it is still so weird, to think of myself as gay. It feels like I am describing the experience of someone else, but, well, it happened to me, too! It's very weird to read about other people's experiences, just out of curiosity--and then it happens to you!
But I've inherited enough of other people's shit, and internalized homophobia, when I walked into the crafts store and left with some yarn and a new sexual orientation. So I'll take all of the perks I can get!
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