While discussing whether I should come out to my mom's family or not, my mom said that she wished I wasn't a lesbian (though I'm really not sure what I am right now--just that I'm not straight). "Because it's a hard life," she said.
I'm glad she told me. I knew something was up, because I got the impression lately that if I was "too gay," if I made jokes about being gay too often, that she was uncomfortable. I knew something was up.
I always have known that my mom loved me, and would always love me, no matter what. And I know she's done everything she could to be supportive. But the thing is...I like being gay.
Of course, it's no picnic. My very first thought, when I saw my first girl-crush, was, "I can't be a lesbian! My life will be so much harder!" And I was mostly thinking about coming out to my conservative family.
But even though my sexuality is so confusing, for the past two years that I've known, other things are so much clearer, make so much more sense.
No wonder the thought of being married (to a man) made me think, "Why would anyone long for that?" And no wonder I was so "picky." Maybe I wasn't as into these guys, or most of them, as I would have been into girls.
And certain stereotypes have changed the way I think of myself, in a positive way.
It also has become abundantly clear to me that, if my family wouldn't accept me as gay, then they are not completely accepting me if I were straight. If I am accepted (not just loved; you can love someone and not accept them) just because I am what they happen to approve of, then I'm not fully accepted.
And I just generally feel like more of myself, now that I know myself much better. It's really an awesome feeling, and it gives me so much more confidence, even if it was a struggle to get here, and it still is a struggle sometimes.
I know now why I was bothered so much by our family and their religion, almost all of my life.And everything just seems to make more sense--if life can make sense at all, that is.
I have a feeling that she kept this from me, for this long, because she didn't want to burden me with it. And maybe it would have been extremely upsetting when I first told her I was bisexual (though lately I don't like that term, since it seems to imply 50-50). I'm not sure what to do about this.
She says that if I came out, she would grieve, because my Papa--my grandfather--would grieve. And she said, "And you know that grief can kill you." I don't want to grieve Papa, and certainly don't want to wonder if I killed him. And I especially don't want to grieve her. But I don't want to grieve myself, either.
I'm not the type of person who can live their entire life in the closet. When I think about the possibility of never being fully out, it's unbearable. But before she said this, I was already thinking that, ideally, I would want to wait until I didn't care what they thought or said at all. That I could come out in a happy way, no matter how they reacted.
I don't feel ready for that at this time. But I can't let my homophobic uncle go off about his favorite people to hate, without saying something. So I was thinking, "You have no idea who you're hurting," might be a good answer to him, and repeating it enough to sound vague, but maybe imply something. If asked, I can say that it's none of his business, or maybe, "Does it matter? Would you love me any less?"
Barring someone bad-mouthing LGBT people in front of me, I am willing to put off coming out for at least a few months, if she needs time to get used to the idea, and time to try to stop feeling responsible for my grandfather's feelings. I have already begun the process of trying to stop feeling responsible for his feelings, and so it seems to bother me less than her.
I might also, when the time comes, tell my Papa that we don't have to talk about this all at once. That if it makes him feel better, and if he is nice about it, he can think about it, and we can talk some more later or over a few months. That any time he has concerns, I would rather he come to me than just keep it in. I want to encourage him to talk to me, but he's so sensitive that I'm afraid he would mistake any bit of passion for anger, and talk to others behind my back instead of me. (In fact, that's probably a good thing to tell him--that I'm afraid he'll talk to others about me, instead of talking to me about me.)
I could also simply come out as bi, which is like halfway coming out to me, since I think I would be happier with a woman, in general. "I might end up with a man, and I might end up with a woman." He might try to extract a promise that I won't end up with a woman (which is utterly ridiculous, to me, because if I had a penis, it would be an exact opposite standard; I'm defined by my genitals here!). If that is the case, I could say, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," or, "I'll just have to see who I fall in love with." I may say that same thing as above--that we can talk about this more when he has time to think more about it. I might even say that I'll pray about it--that certainly has been true in the past.
As for them not wanting me to be with a woman, I have been practicing the phrase, "Or what, you'll disown me? Boo-hoo." I might also add, "As our cousin said to the CPS worker, 'Don't threaten me with a good time.'" But those are kind of cruel, so I don't think I'll say them to my grandfather.
My mom says that if I come out to anyone in our family, I'll be the subject of gossip. I don't really care about that. I've even thought about saying to my homophobic, awful uncle, "If you can't say anything nice to me, talk about me behind my back--I know you will, anyway."
The others will talk, but I don't care about them. And my grandmother will get over it; she's much more emotionally resilient than her husband. But the only one I really worry about is my Papa.
Sometimes a small part of me wishes he would die suddenly, so I don't have to deal with coming out to him--or letting him hear through family gossip. I also made a pact with myself that if he is diagnosed with something and doesn't have long to live, that I'll come out to him. And that if I find someone I love, even a man, I'll come out to him. ("If you would boycott a gay wedding, please do not attend this one--those kind of people are not welcome here," my invitations will read.) And I am public about my sexuality on Facebook, so if my uncle or anyone else searches for me and finds me, well, then, oops--oh, well. They haven't so far, and probably won't, but how else am I going to find a nice girl or supportive guy, if I'm not open about being bisexual?
I'm coming up with all these scenarios in my mind in which I either "have" to come out to him/them, am outed accidentally, or he dies suddenly and I can come out to the rest of them. So I know that I have to at least be working towards coming out, if I am ever to live a happy and fulfilled life. But like I said, barring homophobic remarks, I can put it off for a short time (while I work on practicing), for myself or my mother--but not indefinitely. Everything would be far less complicated if I didn't have to worry about her feelings, too. Still complicated, but far less so.
But ultimately, this is my life, and I have to live it for me. I can't make myself miserable for the sake of my Papa, or even my mother, who is also like my best friend. I want to be fully out, as the subjects of my dating or LGBT stuff come up. I want to be fully and naturally out. And someday I will be. But I've also been trying to get used to the idea that it doesn't have to be tomorrow--I can do things at my own pace, and that is okay. If circumstances are right, and my family behaves themselves, I can even do things at my mother's pace--but only temporarily, for a short time of a few months or so. Ultimately, this is my life, and I have to be happy. Someday, I'll be even happier than I am now.
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