Every time I try to, for lack of a better term, have "gay thoughts" (and by that I don't mean anything sexual), I feel defensive, as if my homophobic uncle, or others, are right there, bullying me, sometimes in the name of religion. Every time I think of any gay person or couple I know, and funny gay character on tv or any skit by Ellen Degeneres, anything to do with coming out or stories of gay couples that I like to write--anything like that, and I struggle with being defensive in my own mind.
I find myself thinking along the lines of, "I wonder if that's the trans woman in this show that people were talking about?--No, we kill ourselves for being gay or trans, it's not a choice!" It's almost an automatic response now. I don't hear voices or anything, but I do know how people I know might react, and that makes me defensive. And if I don't respond mentally, I feel vulnerable, and like I will get caught off-guard.
I love watching funny gay couples on Youtube, and writing stories about Woody and Buzz falling in love, and thinking about my own future, in which I might be a wife, with a wife (though that will be a long time, and I'm still figuring out the kind of life I want). But every time I think about these happy, gay things, I have to resist the immature or bullying "voices" in my head. I feel self-conscious, as if I'm being judged or criticized in my own head.
And at first, I assumed that homophobia itself was the main thing that bothered me. And I am bothered, because of the damage that it does to people, including children and teenagers. But I wouldn't be bothered by it, personally, if I didn't have the background that I did. I was raised a conservative evangelical (though my own mother isn't one anymore), I went to a Christian school, and probably most of all, the most homophobic person I know, my uncle, also physically bullied me. I am still reminded of the trauma whenever I think of him, or see him.
So when I think of homophobia, I think of my uncle--and the terrified way he has always made me feel. So homophobia makes me feel terrified.
When I was little, I tried to tell my grandmother how much he bothered me, when he "teased" me. And she told me that he did it because he loved me. So I didn't feel listened to--I felt like I wasn't worth listening to. I was hurting so much inside, but no one believed me, or did anything to stop it. I have often described this feeling, as feeling like my words were as light as a feather, when I wanted them to be as heavy as iron. No matter how much I tried, no one even seemed capable of believing me or listening to me. The fact that I was hurting inside, was unimportant to those that loved me.
So when I think of homophobia, it makes me feel unheard and unimportant--like I don't matter.
So I still struggle with feeling like I have no voice, whenever I think of anything happy and gay. And I think dealing with those feelings might be more productive than dealing only with the homophobia itself.
So I remind myself, when I deal with or think of homophobic people, that it's the feeling of being unimportant and unheard that bothers me. That's a very scary feeling, to feel like a ghost, or to possibly be in danger because no one believes you. And that's part of the reason that something I don't even believe can bother me so much. I can no longer even talk to those who "disagree" with homosexuality or transgenderism, because for the most part, they just don't listen, and it makes me feel like shit. So I try to protect myself, and try to remind myself, over and over, that I do matter and that I am important.
This post may not have been as happy as I like them to be, especially since my life is usually happy, and writing usually makes me so happy. But it feels good, in a way, to work through these things. And I hope I can help people, by sharing what I've discovered.
Perhaps homophobia or transphobia itself does not bother you. Perhaps it is also something deeper--feeling unheard, or unloved, or not cared for. After all, any kind of bigotry rests on the idea of not listening to others' experiences--dismissing the hurt of slaves, of women, of people not white, of LGBT people, people with disabilities, etc.
Bigotry rests on the idea that you, or others, are not important, because of something you can't control. So maybe that's why it hurts you so much. Remind yourself that you are important, that you do matter. And try to protect yourself, as much as you can, from people who don't want to listen to you.
This is what I have started doing, and I hope it helps others.
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