A few years ago, I discovered I was bisexual. And since then, I have had to deal with many more self-acceptance issues than I bargained for--though I was fully supportive of LGBT people at the time I discovered it.
The voice of my homophobic uncle, who was also my biggest and most terrifying childhood bully (he was a grown man, older than my mom, and physically hurt me), is often in my head, in spite of the fact that I plan not to be around him for a few more months at least, even over the upcoming holidays. But he wasn't my only bully. I went to a very conservative Christian school (though not skirt-every-day conservative). And my constant struggle, from the time I was a little child on for many years, was against the thought that I was a bad Christian, that being a good Christian would never come naturally and joyfully to me, even a little. It seemed so much easier for everyone else.
And then I discovered, even more shockingly, that I wasn't even straight! So now I had two major obstacles to self-acceptance for me, because of my childhood.
And recently, the negative voices in my head seem particularly pervasive, refusing to quit. But I thought long and hard about it, and I realized something that really helped me.
These voices weren't just condemning me, they were making impossible demands:
"Be a perfect Christian, all the time."
"Pray constantly in your own head."
"Be tireless in service to others."
"Never be happier with your hobbies than with God." (An idea which led me to get rid of my favorite childhood toys, though my mother luckily secretly saved them for me.)
"Never be happy unless it involves God. It's a slippery slope to forgetting God."
"Never talk about how your uncle hurts you."
"Always have perfect grades."
"Always work hard--no, harder than that!"
"Be completely devoted to God, always and constantly."
"Always do your work first."
"Never stay up late/always get up early."
And, relatively recently, "Be completely heterosexual!"
That last one actually makes me laugh sometimes, which makes me feel better about it.
But notice something about all of these things. They are all absolutes: Always, never, constantly, tireless, perfectly, completely.
And human beings are not, and cannot operate within, absolutes or constants of behavior (for the most part--"Never kill people," for example, has not been an impossible standard to live up to for me so far).
I try to recognize the demand behind what bothers me. For example, the argument, "Homosexuality is an abomination" is actually, "Be completely heterosexual!" or "Never find love!" An impossible demand.
(People kill themselves for being gay or trans. When people say it's a choice, I actually worry about the speaker--because in spite of what they say, it seems that they think suicide is an okay choice for someone--maybe even themselves. I worry, when I'm not furious that they don't care about actual hurting, suicidal people.)
The accusation, "You are disrespectful," when thinking about my uncle, is actually, "Be quiet about how much I hurt you." I try to see the unspoken demands that people have made on me, so that I can combat them or at least see how impossible those demands really are.
Sometimes it's hard to know what unspoken demand is there, the impossible hoops you must jump through in order to be acceptable to someone else or your own inner critic. (Why does my inner critic have to be so religious, conservative, and anti-gay--in other words, anti-me?) But I can usually find one, if I keep thinking about it. And then I can deal with that, until I feel better, and see the literally impossible standard for what it is.
No one should have to try to live up to impossible demands, especially as a child. And it should be up to the individual, even a child, to know which demands of them are impossible--not up to others to decide for someone else.
I hope that by recognizing the impossible demands on you, even those you only struggle with in your own mind or heart now, that this technique will help you as much as it has helped me. I am still practicing and perfecting it, but I wanted to share, to hopefully help someone else.
Above all, try to be good to yourself and have compassion on yourself, just as you would for others.
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