LGBT: 10 Ways To Not Get Restless In Your Rainbow Closet

I've got a bad case of closet fever.
 Someday, I dream of being fully out to my extended, evangelical family as bisexual. If I find love, I want to be like a Facebook friend of mine, who took his husband to a family reunion, of a Christian family, with no problems. I know if I'm single all my life, I will still be okay, and even still have a very good life. But I think it would be fun to meet some cute girl and walk down the street holding her hand, and why should I hide it if I meet someone special?
(I'm bisexual, but unless I accidentally find a really exceptional guy, I just see myself with a girl. I think "love," and unless it's a specific guy...it's not a guy that I think about.)
And I want to be like one of my favorite comic book characters, the Pied Piper, who very casually came out to his friend the Flash, when Flash was being ignorant and talking about "those guys." He acted like it was no big deal--because it wasn't! It shouldn't have to be a big production for me, either.
I once used the words "husband or wife" to describe my future spouse, and completely shocked my grandfather. I wasn't out yet, but the closet door was open. His poor memory may have closed it again, but that's not my fault. I think about having another opportunity every day--even though I don't want to mention it when they're driving me to my evening classes right now, lest I cause a traffic accident by surprising them, and die. 

I got my driver's license relatively late, at twenty-three. I remember obsessing literally every day over getting my driver's license, though it was years before I took my next test. And now, I obsess every day over getting up the courage to tell my homophobic uncle that I'm gay. And it could be years until I get the opportunity. It could also take a lot more practice to be fully myself, without being self-conscious. I still feel self-conscious about this subject around my own mother, even though we talk about everything and she is okay with it all. So I have a lot of practice being myself, all around, ahead of me.
When I was obsessing over my license, I think it was partly because I couldn't get what I wanted, and I felt so inadequate because of that. I think the same thing is happening again.
So I've come up with some coping strategies that I use in the meantime. Some of them just help me feel more prepared, and others actually make me very happy, so it's not just "coping." I thought I would share them with you.
(Note that not everyone can safely come out at this time, or wants to. If you are still being supported in any way by conservative family, or your family is likely to be violent, be very careful for the time being. Consider coming out by phone someday, when you are in a better place, self-supporting, and live far away. Be sure to wipe your browser history after reading this, in fact!)


 1) Know that there are many different kinds of homophobic remarks.
It doesn't help that my uncle finds ways to make homophobic comments in new and creative ways. ("Did you say, 'That's gay?'" when my mom tells a story about her boss acting stupidly. It caught me off-guard. I didn't think to say, "But I don't act like that!") So be aware of that, so you're not shocked and feeling bad that you didn't have a response.

2) Practice coming out in different ways, over and over again.
So I have no idea when I'll get to come out, and it could be years away. It helps to practice saying it in different ways, over and over again in my mind. ("Or girl, I'm not picky." "Getting married sounds great, and I'm so glad it's legal now!" "...my future husband or wife..." "Your church sounds great. Can I bring the wife and kids?" "Then I wouldn't want you at my wedding anyway, even if I marry a man." "That's between me and God." "You don't have to be in my life.")

3) Practice saying it in a calm voice.
A little tip is to also practice saying whatever you wish to say in a calm voice. It's so easy to get angry and loud when you're practicing at home, but when I'm with the actual person, I don't want to yell, even if I physically felt able to.

4) Know that your opportunity might be ten years away, and it might be tomorrow.
I thought it was impossible to get my driver's license, that it would be at least ten years before I did; I thought this only a few months before telling myself that this was just a "practice test" in my own mind, and finally getting it. So the golden, rainbow opportunity could also be a lot sooner than you think.

5) Prepare for the worst, but know that it might not be a big deal, after all. (Maybe, just maybe.)
I'm also not entirely sure how big a deal it would really be. My homophobic uncle had a big fight with my cousin about my cousin's first (that we know of) tattoo, but my grandfather, whom we all think of as old-fashioned, eventually asked to see it. (It was a quote about not fearing death, which my cousin could have been afraid to show his family.)

 6) Try to pick up on clues to future reactions, and prepare for them as much as you can.
 My homophobic uncle said that his problem with the tattoo was that my cousin said that he thought God wanted him to get it. My cousin said that he angrily shouted at him--and knowing him, I believe my cousin! I don't know if my cousin really thought that or not, but apparently my uncle thinks that he himself owns the copyright to God. Hence my practice with the phrases, "That's between me and God," and "You don't have to be in my life."
People say to mention LGBT people, and see how your family reacts. But frankly, I'm afraid to do that. If they're going to hurt me, the least they can do is know what they're doing. That would actually hurt less, because I know it would be their problem. And if they hurt me by criticizing people like me, I don't think I could stop myself from arguing and using the word "we."

7) But know you can't prepare for everything, and that is okay. You are still good enough. 
Tell yourself that, as much as you need to. "I am still good enough. I am good enough." Your self-esteem in general is very important at this time.

8) Practice a few easy phrases, over and over, rather than many phrases, a relatively few times.
I have a few comfortable phrases, and the more I practice saying them, every day, the more familiar they feel. It's very comforting. Write them down, if that helps you remember. And say it all at least a hundred times (in your estimation).

9) Always remember to keep your focus on the rewards. 
I dream about holding hands, kissing, and dancing with a cute girl, and that makes me happy. I'm going to focus on that, as much as I can, and the obstacles towards getting there seem smaller. It helps make it easier to be myself, too.

10) And above all, remember to love yourself.
If you don't love yourself all the time, tell yourself, "I love you," until you believe it! If you can't say it unless you believe it, practice in small steps (saying you love yourself only five times, for example), or at least seize the opportunities when you're having a good day and actually do believe good things about yourself. At least reinforce those beliefs, when you have them. And if you possibly can, talk kindly to yourself until those negative beliefs change. It's what you deserve. Treat yourself as kindly as you would a good friend who is struggling. Love yourself unconditionally, whether they do or not.