I have another blog called Atheist Journeys. I started it a few years ago, because at the time, I was focusing on the idea of "I am not evangelical/Christian/what my family and school wanted, and that is okay." I was still getting used to the idea of my not being a copy of my extended family's, and my evangelical Christian school's, religion. Accepting myself as non-religious was my most important priority at the time.
And then life dropped another bombshell on me.
Not only was I not religious, I was not straight. My priorities drastically changed.
It was quite a shock; I had thought that I would know what I was by the end of puberty. Apparently not. I was twenty-three when I walked into a crafts store as a straight girl and, because of a beautiful girl working there, walked out as a lesbian. As you can imagine, it was quite a shock for me, even if I was very rainbow and affirming at the time.
I will elaborate more on this later, but once I discovered that I was not straight (later I thought a lot about it, and realized that I'm actually bisexual), my focus and priorities changed. I had read a lot about LGBT stuff for a straight woman, at that point, and knew that I must be technically bisexual, even though I didn't "feel" bisexual at the time (though how is one supposed to feel bisexual?). And I knew that the new feeling I was experiencing was called "internalized homophobia," even though I knew it was okay to be whatever you were, and I would have bent over backwards to convince a gay friend to accept themselves.
So now the message that I focus on in my life is "I am not straight/what my family wants and thinks I am (for now), and that is okay." And that is a much harder thing to convince myself of. There are things you can believe with all your heart, and it still takes years to "feel" them.
I now know from experience that one's sexuality, at least for people like me, is so much more a part of them than their beliefs. And that one can be hurt regarding their sexuality, so much more than one can be hurt regarding their beliefs. Even when I thought I was straight, I knew that. I don't know how much one's beliefs are a choice (I think it varies, as some are in the grip of fear, and some use religion as an excuse to be horrible people, even if they don't know they're doing it). But I don't know of anyone who has killed themselves for being an atheist, or being "outed" as one. The same cannot be said for being LGBT.
I don't care about writing about not fitting the evangelical mold, anymore, as far as beliefs--for the most part. I've got more pressing matters now. So having a blog with a name like "Atheist Journeys" started to bother me more and more. Atheists were no longer my target audience, "my people." I don't care what people believe or don't believe, for the most part, except when it comes to LGBTQ issues. And even to an extent, I don't care what they believe about that, as long as they don't stand in the way of anyone's rights (especially in a hypocritical way, like being divorced and against marriage equality). Or treat their kids any differently because of their gender or sexuality.
I "go by" bi generally--though I'm okay with pretty much any label in regard to sexuality, except straight, because it's not accurate. And now that I know I'm not straight, I don't really care about labels in regard to beliefs. I don't like a lot of famous atheists, anyway, because of their condescending sexism and deliberately ignorant racism, among other things.
Perhaps it is because I realized I couldn't pray or read my bible anymore ten years ago, at age fifteen, that my sexuality is a much bigger deal than my beliefs were. But I don't think that's the case. Sexuality is who you love; your love or future love is under attack, when people have a problem with it! And even when religion is absent from all of your media, nearly everything revolves around fictional straight relationships. And when you're not straight, you notice when people like you are absent, every single time. In other words, once you lose straight privilege, by realizing you're not straight, you see straight privilege everywhere. It's especially painful in children's and young adult movies and media, because you know your very existence or love is "too controversial" most of the time.
And every stranger you meet, you wonder if they will give you problems if they found out, even if you try not to care what others think of you. This becomes especially awkward in a work situation, or any situation where you have to spend time with those you don't know very well. Which is pretty much any situation!
So yeah, that's a little more important to me than any lack of evangelical belief. I wasn't writing about atheism anymore, so "Atheist Journeys" did not fit. And in a few years, maybe something else will become more important to me than LGBT issues, though I doubt it.
Life is a journey, and I still feel that I am constantly changing, learning new things, and hopefully growing. So I got a new blog, which is simply "AJ's Journeys." This way, I can also write about my favorite hobby, getting rid of stuff (though there doesn't seem to be much to say on that, when compared to LGBT stuff), and one of my proudest accomplishments, taking care of my disabled chicken. Or anything else I want to. Though I wrote about those things before, I still felt that the word "atheist" in the title constrained me.
I also don't know what I'll be or believe in a few years, though I hope never to be a conservative Christian again. (It was miserable! I tried so hard to get close to God, to no apparent avail.) So this blog, without the word "atheist" on it, will hopefully give me more freedom to explore.
I also love fresh starts, and I love having a new blog. Hopefully this will be a better fit for me.
I may repost some of my favorite articles from that blog, but there is nearly two hundred of them there, so reposting them all would be very impractical. You can still see them all on the other blog here.
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