LGBT: The Little Gay Girl In Christian School

 This is a favorite of mine, republished from my old blog, Atheist Journeys. But since atheists aren't necessarily my target audience anymore, I switched to this blog, so I didn't feel any pressure to write about religion. I will republish some of my favorites on this blog, because I had such fun writing them.
 

I went to a very conservative Christian school when I was younger, then homeschooled through that same school, starting in fifth grade. This was the late 90s and early 2000s, and it surprises me how little I heard of LGBT issues back then. It also surprises me how very un-homophobic my conservative Christian (at the time) mother was. (My dad didn't really have an opinion, or didn't seem to.)
I remember knowing what "gay" was before I started first grade. I thought it was so silly that some boys liked other boys, and some girls liked other girls. I remember thinking that it caused a lot of problems, since you don't know who "dips" whom when the couple is dancing on a date.
Or who wears a dress when they are getting married. That was a problem, even though you could simply take turns dipping each other. I concluded that it must be that one boy decided he was okay with wearing the wedding dress. It's not a real wedding without a big fancy dress, after all. Maybe there were even boys who wanted to wear the dress. Maybe they both wore a dress. It would be such a very sad and pathetic wedding, after all, if there wasn't a big fancy dress to look at.
With girls, they must both wear a dress. Who wouldn't take the opportunity, after all? And it might be an even better wedding with TWO pretty dresses!
I finally concluded that they must talk about what they each want, and work something out for both of them.
"Do you want me to dip you?" I imagined one boy saying to another. "Or do you dip me?"
"I'll pay for the meal this time, and you pay for the meal next time."
"I know you wanted to wear the dress, but I want to wear a dress, too. We should have two dresses. Okay?"
I surmised at around age six that communication was very important to same-sex relationships. I didn't see the Disney princesses saying "Do you want me to kiss you?" or "Do you want to wear a dress when we get married?" but I'm beginning to think now that they most certainly should have! The modern princess should not be afraid to ask, "Do you want me to rescue you, or do you want to rescue me? Here's what I would prefer..."

I married my Barbies to each other, when I got bored of straight weddings. I wondered what Ken would look like in a dress, though most Barbie dresses I had didn't even fit him. It was a bummer. 

My mom must have explained what "gay" was to me, though I don't remember that. And she must not have said anything negative about gay people, because I never thought anything bad of it, except that it was "silly" (though straight relationships seemed silly sometimes), and that it was problematic because one did not automatically know who did or wore what.
She must have simply said that some boys liked each other, and some girls liked each other--because that's what I knew of it. That's the most liberal and neutral was to phrase it, that I can think of. And she apparently thought it was a sin, at the time. But she was still tolerant, and still not condemning, even letting me draw my own conclusions at six years old. That's my mom.
My mom in later years said that a neighbor of ours remarked one time, "That stupid Anita Bryant! It's none of her business, how other people live their lives!" And my mom remembered thinking that that made a lot of sense.

I remember one time playing around and laughing in my parents' bed, while both of them were lying down. Everyone was laughing and joking, and at one point, I jokingly said that someone or some couple (I forget who) was gay. My mom smiled and said, "You better say, 'homosexual,' instead. That's a better word."
But I knew instantly that I could NOT say that word, because: 1) It was too big a word for me to possibly remember, and 2) It had the word "sex" in it, which was a very, very bad word!
My dad said, "No, it's okay to say 'gay.' That's not a bad word." Then they talked about it for a minute and agreed, and I was relieved. I didn't have to say the word "sex," and I didn't have to use a word I didn't even remember or know how to pronounce. And I had never thought that "gay" could be associated with "sex," either. That didn't really change my views on it, I don't think.
(The only time I ever got brave enough to say the word "sex" was when I saw Monica Lewinski on TV, and I remember I whispered, "Daddy, what's oral sex?" I've been told he said, "It means she kissed his peepee.")

Then I went to Christian school, starting in first grade when I was seven. I made a pact with my best friend at the time that, if we grew up to be like the boys who married boys, or the girls who married girls, that we would marry each other. Yes, it was my idea. I'm not entirely sure that she knew about those people, before I said something, though she did agree.
I remember telling at least one teacher there. She said something like, "Oh, okay." She must have been surprised, or speechless. I also told my mom. She said about the same thing, or maybe nothing, though she didn't care as much. The grownups around me didn't respond much, either positively or negatively.
(And surprise, surprise, I grew up to be bisexual!)

I never thought anything of gay marriage at the time (in 1998, when I started first grade at age seven). I never thought of marriage licenses or who could get them. And I never thought that God didn't like gay people or couples. No one ever even mentioned that possibility to me at the time, even in the Christian school.
If I was going to school in first grade, now, I think I would have a very different experience. Gay rights were not making headway then like they are now (and thank goodness they are now). Children of conservative parents grow up today in a totally different environment, and they probably would not be so free with accepting gay people and couples, or thinking that one day they might themselves be gay (if they don't already know).
There is more pressure among conservatives nowadays, I believe, to be against homosexuality. I think that is sad, even for those who feel they have to be against it. (But I still have to fight even those I pity, as much as I can with my votes and such, so that they don't harm others!) Fortunately, more and more Christians are becoming accepting, slowly but surely.

A few years later, when I was about ten or eleven, I would know that being gay was considered bad. But I would also watch Will & Grace with my mom, and laugh along with her. It was a rather complicated situation, but eventually I learned that I could be affirming, even as a Christian.
 I was so happy when I learned that. I am convinced that being against something, that does not harm anyone and brings love and joy, really takes its toll on the happiness of the person who is against it.
When I was six years old, everything seemed so simple; everything made sense--just marry whomever you loved, even if it was "silly." Maybe someday the whole world, or at least most of it, can be so simple.