My mom recently mentioned to me that I might have PTSD from my bullying uncle, whose homophobia is what upsets me nowadays. So I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do about him. I may be "sick" from family gatherings, including holidays, for a while. And as I eventually want to be fully myself, even around my family, I am thinking about when and how to come out as gay/bisexual. (I've seen people use it interchangeably, so I got in the habit; and, basically, unless I accidentally meet an exceptional, LGBT-supporting man, it's probably going to be another woman, for me.)
I was really disturbed by anticipating his reaction, but then I thought: What's the use of being gay, if it's not in both senses of the word?
I don't want to be defensive and a good arguer; that should not be my goal in life. I shouldn't have to defend anything. I want to change the world, but I'd rather do it with the example of the awesome but "normal" life I live. I would rather be someone who laughs off others' condemnation, rather than engaging with it. And that takes hard work, but I realized that that should be my goal.
Sometimes it's a matter of privilege or safety, how much one has to worry about others' reactions, or how much one can be out. But personally, the more I visualized defending myself, the more defensive and defeated I became. "He's never going to listen!" I thought in frustration.
But I then had that thought about coming out in a happy way, and when I visualized saying, "I'm gay," with a big smile on my face, it felt good. "It doesn't matter if he doesn't listen," I thought. And maybe, if I practiced enough, I wouldn't even care, at least for the most part.
(Visualizing in your mind, and practicing saying things over and over, is a very effective strategy for gaining confidence with anything. Say what you have to say about one hundred times, to yourself--and in the voice that makes you happiest while saying it.)
Curious about others' beliefs, I once found myself watching a video (which I can't find now) by a pagan about how to come out of the "broom closet." (I'm not sure one's beliefs have the same magnitude as one's orientation or gender, but I guess it might depend on where one lives and who one's family or coworkers are.)
This woman said that people will largely react the same way you say it: If you inform them of what you are in a happy, relaxed voice, they will often want to know more--but if you do it with an uncertain look on your face, or say it in a negative way, they will take it as very negative and be concerned for you. (Of course, she acknowledged that some will react negatively no matter what, but she was talking about most people.)
I have no idea how much of this is true for LGBT people, and under which circumstances. But there is no reason, in my mind, not to be happy while coming out, if you can manage it. I want to be able to say, "I'm gay--in both senses of the word!"
Best of all, I remembered this heartwarming story, about a seven-year-old who happily announces that he's gay to anyone who will listen, and talks about his celebrity "boyfriend." I remember, at age seven, making a pact with my best friend that if we grew up to be girls who married girls, that we would marry each other. And I happily told the adults at the conservative Christian school too. Luckily for me, they were probably too speechless to do anything but nod, because I don't remember any negative reactions at all--and I would have remembered that, because I was a very sensitive kid!
Reading that article the first time, I thought, "How wonderful, to be at that age with no inhibitions or taboos on that." And I once was just like that, though I only thought of being gay as "maybe someday," an unlikely event but one that I should plan for nonetheless, by picking out a prospective bride for myself.
I grew up, and learned what I was supposed to believe about homosexuality. What my uncle reinforced with his shouting matches any time I came even remotely close to disagreeing with him--if I even acknowledged that there were different interpretations of the bible that people believed. By the time I was twenty-three, and already affirming and knowledgeable about LGBT issues, my first thought upon having "love at first sight" feelings for another girl was, "I can't be a lesbian! My life will be so much harder!"
I hope this little boy doesn't have to deal with the shit I have had to deal with, what I still have to deal with today, in my own mind. And I'm going to try to be like a little child, again. Just reading this article, and others by his very loving and supportive mother, gives me hope that my spirit does not have to be broken, that it doesn't have to be difficult, at least not forever.
Check out this quote from the article:
"Since that day, any time the word 'gay' has come into conversation, he has happily announced to those around him, 'I'm gay!'...Saying 'I'm gay' is his way of telling people: this is something I like about myself."
I have no idea how my family will react, but that's exactly how I want to be. Part of this will involve not caring how they react, but the more I think of coming out happily, just like this little boy, the more insignificant their reactions seem by comparison. It makes me happy, to practice coming out happily--gaily! I want to be able to say, "This is something I like about myself." And I like myself best when I'm happy--gay--so because one sense of the word is a given, I'm going to practice being the other one, too. I want to be both.
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